Things not to call your wife

This is not a recent discovery, per se, but it is a valuable lesson from the past that I was reminded of today. The tale starts back when my daughter Maya, was three years old. I had come home from work and that meant it was play time...

Maya: Let's play animals!
Me: Ok. How do we play?
Maya: You be the daddy goat, I be the baby goat...
Me: And Mommy is the mommy goat?
Maya: No. Mommy's a cow!
Me: Bwa-ha-haaaa!

In retrospect, I should not have laughed, but you have to admit, it was funny. I do feel compelled to point out that Lynnea does not even remotely resemble a cow. Or any other animal for that matter. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

Fast forward a few years. I'm older. Wiser. Trying desperately to cling to the tattered remains of my misspent youth. Enter my friend Matt. He was trying to help me with my lingo so I could be more hip. Why did I need this? Who can say. At any rate, he taught me the greeting "What up, dog?" as an endearing greeting one friend might give another. Being the hip, together guy I am, I greeted Lynnea warmly.

Me: What up, dog?
Lynnea: WHAT did you just call me?!?
Me: I was just...er...you know...
Lynnea: You don't call me DOG!
Me: It's meant in a good way.
Lynnea: I don't want to hear you talk to me like that again.

So, lesson learned, right? Ha! A few months later, Lynnea and the kids were going out of town because I had to log some on call time at work. They didn't want to be tied to the house, so they went on a trip. I decided to round up my friends to hang out, since I was stuck at home. I began compose an e-mail:

Subject: When the cat is away...

At that moment, Lynnea walked in and just happened to peer over my shoulder. "Am I the CAT?" she asked. "Ummmmmmm. No. Not at all."

So, it does not matter what the context is, do not refer to your wife as any particular animal unless it is her idea first.

*DISCLAIMER* Some of Lynnea's reactions may have been slightly exaggerated to make this seem funnier.